Horoscope Recap for This Week’s
Top Ten (+1) Drivers
Friday November10, 2006
A FOUR STAR WEEK! BRENDA
JIMMY JOHNSON *****
Jimmy, my Jim-bo, Jimmerooni, last week I predicted
melt down and disaster and, for you, I am pleased to
say I was dead wrong. You could be thinking, “If
Mrs. Bee predicts the sky if falling, I’m good
to go.” Ooops, sorry to disappoint young man,
because Mr. Steady Virgo will take the wheel and you
are actually going to prove that you belong up in the
stratosphere. Cars can’t trip but drivers can,
so watch your step! And don’t give too much help
to number 24.
I’m so proud of you.
Even with victory in the short term right there in front
of you, you decided that a repeat of Talladega wasn’t
worth it. Smart boy, and you make me look so good!
2) MATT KENSETH ***
How does it feel to be the winner of last week’s
version of NASCAR Survivor, the game where 43 contestants
try to survive on a diet of twisted metal and yellow
flags? Feel like you owe some payback this week, my
friend? Collect, but be slippery like the fish you are.
Either you get the pole or a top five but not both!
Okay, Matt, you kept a championship
in sight. If you keep the bugs off the windshield and
Jimmy hits a Miami palm tree you just might make it.
3) DALE, JR. **
( - 2 )
Home, sweet, home is the track, my balanced friend,
and this week it is as warm as a winter fire and as
fresh as baked bread. That gasoline smell is the smell
of love and this week it all comes together in a five-course
feast of driver delights. No tight, no loose, just a
nice run out front. You do good this week, as the south
rises and the fans stand for Dixie.
Dale, Dale Dale, I do not
know what to say. But I was waaaay off. That Libra balance
I saw must have been how balanced your whole team was
about how unbalanced the car was.
4) DENNY HAMLIN **
Oh, dear. The good news is that the final day of the
chase is your B-day, the bad news is that you won’t
be looking at a chance to win it all. Because, and I
truly hate to say this, the only thing tighter than
your car this week is your… neck muscles. You
try and try, and you burn up bandwidth second guessing
with your chief, but this is going to be a rough one
and you are going end up taking a long, long look at
what might have been.
I guess you can never count
a Scorpio out when winning is on the line. How do the
youth of today say it? “You, go boy!”
5) KEVIN HARVICK *****
( + 2 )
Okay, you know I love you, Kevin, and now you are going
to love me too. In the movies you have those moments
where all the sound goes away and the hero is moving
in slow motion, a look of tranquility on his face like
he just lapped the field on fresh rubber. Well, you
will be that hero, moving like a dream in the slow motion
of 190 MPH. Mr. Kahne is going to be a help and I don’t
know how or why.
The only question remaining,
Mr. Mega Sweep, is whether there is enough good luck
in your tires and enough bad luck in Mr. Johnson’s,
and Mr. Kenseth’s, and Mr. Hamlin’s and…
Oh, I’m preaching to the choir.
6) JEFF GORDON *****
It’s all about next year, Jeff. You look for help
but you are all alone out there. Maybe you can hire
an image consultant in the off season. You don’t
need your ears pinned back but you could take a look
at forming up a party posse and getting your name in
the tabloids. We all love a reformed citizen.
I say you hook up with Tony
and become a spoiler.
7) JEFF BURTON ***
June 29, 1967
Well, well, well I was a week off. You are indeed going
to prove that you deserved to be up on top, even if
it’s too late to get there.
Your team will finally be in-the-know
The engine won’t go
The tire won’t blow
You will vanquish your foe
And get not a win or place, but a show.
Considering the crappy car
you had, I should give myself more stars. A top ten
would have been proof enough, it’s just that just
about everyone else in the chase did better.
8) KYLE BUSCH *****
( - 2 )
I hope you enjoyed your run last week because you are
going to snap off a couple of horns on this one. Scrape,
grind, twist and spin, sounds like fun for a boy on
a Saturday night but lousy for Sunday afternoon. After
the race, take twenty deep breaths before you say what’s
on your mind.
I hate it when the stars are
so right. You didn’t take those twenty breaths,
9) MARK MARTIN
**** ( + 1 )
I am so afraid to speak to the stars for you, Mark.
But mark my words, Cap, when it comes down to that final
splash and go, your car has a hollow leg no one else’s
has and two laps are two laps. It’s the only way,
I’m sorry to say, to get up front in the end.
And if it doesn’t work out and you limp toward
the finish line, just remember that you are as young
as you fuel.
You gave a five star performance
in a two star car. Very, very excited to see the number
6 up front so near the end.
10) KASEY KAHNE ****
( +1 )
You got nothing to lose and you are going to have so
much fun this weekend. It seems like everywhere you
look you see a smiling face and it brings out the daredevil
in you. Whoo hoo! Ride ‘em, Kasey and raise some
Kahne. The cameras are going to spend more time on you
than on the contenders. And find a way to help Kevin.
He’s going to need you.
And, as we say in show business…
“So, dat’s dat.” Look out New York.
You may be on the low podium but the night life may
never be the same.
11) TONY STEWART *****
You made me look so good last week I just want to re-tile
my bathroom. I wish the run would last for you but,
like Kyle, you will not taste the thrill of victory
this week. And don’t you just hate that tone you
hear in the voices of your peers as they “congratulate”
you, like you caught the bouquet but they all know your
girlfriend dumped you? Sure, you’re pretty, but…
you can’t win.
Can you say? “I’ll